Maximum Risk (1996), Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)
Shaggy Bob may possibly have the biggest ego, but it's backed with the wisdom beyond any mortal means. He has answers to all questions. And he's never wrong. Well, so we are lead to believe. And don't let him get started on "women -- source of all evil" or else you'll never hear the end. You've been warned.
There I was, trying to get out of an elevator. And what happens? This woman tries to block my way by trying to get in, before I can get out. So, I said "excuse me", hopin' this pushy woman will at least let me get out of the elevator. Well, she side stepped and bumped me by the door just so that she can get in. Of course, the elevator ain't gonna go anywhere until I get out. Does this behavior make sense to anybody? And why is this not an isolated incidence?
Speaking of things not making any sense, Maximum Risk came out and I had to go check it out. It's another one of Jean Claude's movies where he kicks few butts but he's trying to put more acting in it. I hate to say it but he's not going to win any Oscar any time soon. And yes, there was actually something that resembles a plot but you had to look hard for it after Jean Claude's twin gets killed in first 5 min. of the movie.
One nakkid boob (yeah Natasha!). 4 Doz bullets. 2 doz dead bodies. 48 on the vomit meter. One moon shot (sorry, not Jean Claude). What we got here are: Running-fu, jumping for life-fu, attack of killer car chase-fu, mysterious dead body that flipped over-fu, funeral-fu, trip to the lawyer's office from hell-fu, homeboy in the hood-fu, free drink-fu, key from heaven-fu, attack of garbage can lid-fu, and of course attack of killer cabbie-fu. Video hall of fame nominations to Natasha Henstridge for saying stuff like "you got harder since the last time" and to Jean Claude Van Damm for saying stuff like "why didn't you tell me".
Two stars. Shaggy Bob says wicked!
Spoilers - Jean Claude's character's twin is getting chased by two guys and well, he dies. Enter Jean Claude. Now, he didn't know that he had a twin brother. So, he wants to find out what kind of person his dead brother was. Of course the FBI and the Russian mob are mixed in the whole mess. Oh yeah, you can't forget about Natasha who acts like a guide through the movie so the audience won't get lost. No one is going to win any awards for acting but some of the fight scenes were pretty cool. If you're waiting for a call from Elizabeth Anne Hilden, then stay by the phone. If she actually gives you call and wants to go out with you, don't take her to this one. If she asks for an action movie to get some release but not too much brain dead beatings, then consider this one. But only then.
Alien Alert! I don't get it. A part of a freeway was torn down and effectively increased the traffic. Of course, this particular stretch of the freeway was the only link between northern and southern part of the city during major event like a marathon. Now, more freeway got torn down and because there hasn't been any major gridlock, it's considered a success and therefore, the freeway does not need to be replaced? Hello? Is anybody with any synaptic activities in the city hall? I used to be able to get out of town in 8 min. After the first demolition, I was able to get out of town in 15min. Now, it takes me 20 min just to get to the freeway. And that's success? Hello?
There I was, chillin' as usual and what do I see on the bus? I see this woman who wanted to get off but didn't know that she was supposed to step down into the stairwell so she yells "back door" to the driver. And another girl yells "step down." Of course the woman gets to get off without further incidence but the girl says "I guess people don't read the signs" while eating sunflower seeds right under the no food sign. Since when did we start accepting hypocrites as a daily norm?
Speaking of counter productive behavior, Island of Dr. Moreau came out and I had to go check it out. It's about this doctor who's doing this genetic research in a secluded island in south Pacific and the inhabitants he made. Of course something goes wrong for the plot to develop. And yes, there is one survivor who's going to be able to tell the tale for others.
1 mammary scene. 9 dead bodies. 2 doz bullets. 38 on the vomit meter. No moon shots. What we got here are: more counter productive behavior on the raft-fu, attack of killer shark-fu, search and rescue party-fu, IV-fu, a shot from hell-fu, rabbits-fu, dancing in the rain-fu, attack of killer flower child-fu, locking door-fu, piano concert-fu, and of course cat chase-fu. Video hall of fame nominations to David Thewlis for saying stuff like "I'll be back" and to Fairuza Balk for saying stuff like "I'm reverting." Of course to Marlon Brando for saying stuff like "I am closer than you can possibly imagine" and to Val Kilmer for saying stuff like "You'll like it, well, I like it."
One and a half star. Shaggy Bob says wicked!
Spoiler - Stories based on Victorian era science may have a tendency to not to follow the science practiced today but they usually have a really good idea. And this one is of no exception. The problem is, that was all they had. Ok, the make up for the animal people were cool but how far can make up take you? No plot gets in the way of the story line. And you certainly aren't going to sympathize with any of the characters unless you're one of those animal rights activist who's bordering on insanity. If you're waiting for a call from Jenny McCarthy, stand by the phone. You ain't gonna miss much. And if she does call, don't take her to this flick.
Alien Alert! Bill signed the welfare reform bill which Bob said it was Republican idea. My question is, what's going to happen in 2 years? Better yet, what's going to happen in 5 years when people can't get more aid? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for abolishing welfare but it would be irrisponsible to take away people's dependancy without replacing it with something so that they won't revert back to the cycle of handouts. I bet you in 5 years that both parties are going to blame each other for the mess they created which the librals are going to blow it out of proportion.
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