Tired of those aloof AKC
breeds who peer at you contemptuously, and who just think too damned much of
themselves? Well, we've fixed that problem, or that little problem, we should
say, with our Pretty Good Dane. This sad, cockapoo-sized pooch will do your
bidding--or else (back in the shoe box). Standing a full five inches high, this
little doggie will know just how far he's fallen. Ask him: "So you think
you're so great?" Bred to shake his head "No." Pretty Good
Danes are wonderful indoor canines that won't bump disastrously into china
cabinets--and if one does, use our complimentary bottle of Pretty Good Dane Fur
Liniment¨, specially engineered to soothe doggie bruises.
Wife grumpy about all
that tobacco you gnaw? Well, why not invest in one of our Chaw-Chaws or its new
near-cousin, the lovely Spits. These dogs like a mentholated chew, and always
smell minty-fresh. And the next time your wife gripes about you and your
brimming saliva can, you can say: "At least I don't spit it anywhere like
Fido!" Believe us, logic will prevail. Each dog delivered complete with
A big dog with an
unselective, "out-doorsy" appetite is our latest Breedatorium doggie,
the Grub-Grub, a distant relative of the Chaw-Chaw, and Spits. As their name
suggests, Grub-Grubs eat just that--leaves, twigs, small insects and branches,
bee nests, crumbly patio tiling, and disused lawn furniture. Grub-Grubs are
wonderful dogs for those of us (and, hey, aren't we talking most of us?) who
just don't have enough time or energy for yard-work. A great "Spring
cleanin' kind o' doggie." Each Grub-Grub comes packaged with month's
supply of New-Pup Pooch-Antacidª.
Attention: fans of
guitarist Joe Walsh! For those of you who just don't have the time or money for
a show, we offer this spectacular Walsh Terrier! We won't say how we bred this
lovable, long-limbed and goofy-looking canine, but we will say he can play "Rocky
Mountain Way," "Life's Been Good," and a medley of other
well-known classics. Guitar and practice amp included. Sound-proof
doghouse/demo studio optional.
For those who live on a
houseboat, in a levee area, or for those who just have to hand-wash their
dishes, check out our new tubular mini-breed, our adorable little Plug-Plug.
Plug-Plugs have been scientifically engineered to hold their breath for up to
thirty minutes! Short crewcut- style hair is bacteria- and odor-free. Pop eyes
serve as early drowning warning system. Free tow-line and marker-buoy with each
For the family that
wants a second dog--or rather, for the family that wants their first dog to have
a dog, an English Spaniel Toy maybe the ticket. English Spaniel Toys are soccer
ball-sized canines with very dull teeth, and are bred to be rather passive.
Also bred to smell like liver-breath cat. Great fun for Numero Uno Doggie.
Free dog-pedometer and ankle-weights with every purchase.
Stylish winter clothing
just too far outside your budget? Try our Cardigan Sweater Welsh Corgi.
Cross-bred with brawny West Highland sheep, each dog produces up to six sweaters
per annum! Available in holiday and tie-dye colors. Free head and paw stock
included. Shears optional.
Like many of us, you are
probably well-nigh tired of lying about long-overdue car, home, and medical
payments. Well, nothing can be truer than saying, "I'm sorry about the
delay, Mr. Trump, but my dog ate the bill," when you buy one of our
lovable, squat, and convenient little Billdogs. Billdogs are a stoic, silent
breed that like nothing better than standing by your desk all day long and
ingesting unwanted, or irritating bits of waste paper. Triplicate receipt/meal
with every purchase.