(with apologies to Nicolai Gogol)
by Chuck Nyren
So this is good news: I've finally fallen in love.
You have no idea how long this has taken. My friends have been at their wits end wondering when it would happen. And it's wonderful, just like everyone said!
Her name is Cecilia Bartoli. If you don't know who she is, she's the internationally renowned thirty-one year old mezzo-soprano with the most beautiful voice I've ever heard -- and when we get married I won't make her give up her career because I'm secure enough with my masculinity so her success won't threaten me.
While listening to her, be aware that every song she sings is about me. They are also to me, for whenever she sings she's thinking only of me. I'm sure you'll then agree that she's as crazy about yours truly as I am about her. We've recently become engaged, by the way.
.... A limousine with flashing red lights has arrived. The Chauffeur, dressed in white, tells me he's here to take me to my Cecilia. Two other men in white will also escort me. I don't even have to walk to the limo. They say they'll carry me on a moving bed -- actually it's a portable throne, I'm told.
They also tell me that I won't need the use of my arms because they are here to serve me, to do anything I wish -- so my limbs have been wrapped around my body. A King has to learn how to be a King. He must become accustomed to being waited upon.
When I am finally unshackled they say everything will be waiting for me -- for my Castle they're taking me to has all I will ever need -- including the softest walls in the world. Kings should never have to touch anything hard.
I'm also informed that my Coronation will happen the moment the Royal Carriage arrives. The servants happily chatter amongst themselves, saying that my Crown will fit tight, and be made of wires. Then, after three jolts from the heavens, I will be Sun God of all Mesopotamia .......
Oh, mi Cecilia!
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